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So somehow I've managed to move over 2,000 miles across the country to Rochester, New York with my fiance Sam Spencer. If you asked me a year ago what I would be doing when I grew up, I probably wouldn't say I'd be working in two nursing homes and living in New York. It's not as glamorous as everyone might imagine, but there are good points to it! I can buy beer now, which is a definite plus!

Just moved to New York and finished my first bout of nursing. I am a practical nurse! Almost a licensed practical nurse! On the other hand I have mo friends so... Yeah. I'll try to post more often. Might be fun!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Sometimes I get so tired that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm shocked at how exhausted I am all of the time. I want another vacation.
You just don't know what you're missing until you change a diaper! I mean, I've done a lot of things in my short life, like cleaning up my little sister and overcoming bi-polar disorder, not to mention my mom telling me she's going to kill herself, but once you have a person, and that person can no longer, well, clean themselves, you know the true meaning of client care. It's more intense than you could ever imagine. Not the whole "changing the briefs" aspect of it, but to know that the person depends on you.

I wasn't entirely sure that I'd make it here, but here I am; Sam's coming home tonight and I've been going to nursing school for a month and then some.


So I finally got the guts to get my drivers license last Tuesday.  I've had my permit for a year, but I didn't bother going out and actually taking the test because I didn't have a car that was adequate for the DMV's strict requirements and I was afraid if failing.  I'm so bad at testing!  It's never that I don't know the material, it's just that I'm so scared I make stupid mistakes like speeding.  I also almost hit a bird :P  It wasn't my fault, it literally flew in front of my car and I was like "BIRD!" and hit the brake.  I think that proved that I had reflexes and was paying attention to the road.  It really felt good to get it out of the way, though.  Now I have AAA, which makes me feel extra safe, and I can drive around and complete errands and other menial tasks (like returning rented videos) without having to ride the bus for two hours.  Gas costs money, but if I'm not paying for bus tickets then it won't be too bad.
I feel free.
I also feel like playing Wii fit!

I like watching Dexter.  It's such a good show, I feel like it's really insightful and not as mainstream as it could be.  Stupid sitcoms for sheep with anarexic fake-blond idiots and game-loving beer-drinking womanizers.  It's getting old really fast, I'm surprised television can survive.  I like foreign films, maybe I should watch more of those?

I can't concentrate because I'm so nervous about getting into nursing school.  I'm just waiting for my background check, drug test and PSU transcript to come through and I'll officially have a seat in the class.  I'll pass everything, of that I'm sure, but it doesn't meat I'm not nervous as fuck.  That's why I'm on medication; I fret and cry and lose sleep over stupid little things like a drug test that won't even come back positive.  Why am I so scared?  Oh right, I went to Reed college for a play and I caught a single whiff of pot.  I'll get over it, I'm just a wimp.


I have heard what the talkers were talking, the talk of the
     beginning and the end,
But I do not talk of the beginning or the end.

~Whitman, “Song of Myself


Troubled Sleep


As I gaze into the vast expanses of the night,

Darkness captivates both sky and bay.

I feel the inexplicable urge to jump in,

And in doing so, join the eternal flow of life.

It heaves and pulls constantly,

As if in the throws of a fierce bout of rage, or even of love.

It sings to the shore,

A gentle sigh with each,

Coming to its imminent end.

One small bird rides the wave,

The single visible organic being among waves of black,

And the reflections of artificial light,

Bright and intrusive.

Offering us a look into the bleak future,

A future given to us by the greed of mankind.

I release the vision and turn away.

This concept isn’t for me to ponder, the philosophy of man is to live in the present.

Life spills through the sky,

Spattering wasted across the pavement.

A child dies of thirst.


Awake, weary, wrought with meaningless, groundless fears,

The god of sleep reminds me of acts done and not,

Of the passing hours leading up to my inescapable end,

And I wonder if I am not a wave upon the sea,

One passing by unnoticed, unremarkable, after the next.

I am currently in the process of being accepted into a nursing school.  I'm 19 years old.  Weird, huh?
My father is the registrar at Apollo College and they have a nursing program there that I'm eligible to join.  I'm working on the application essay right now.  It's not too hard; it's actually kind of fun.  I'm really excited.
I'm also sick and tired.  Short journal entry!

( . ) ( . )


I watched The Guardian again tonight, and it gave me the same weird feeling it did last time... I don't know if it's as much the movie itself as it is the setting.  It's about rescue swimmers in the Coast Guard.  There's just something about the silence beneath the waters of raging seas and people drowning, floating, freezing and dying that haunts my dreams.  It makes me afraid of getting older, but it makes me want to save people from drowning.
I've got another Biology test coming up on Monday.  I really want to do well, but I don't want to invest my entire life into grades; it feels like there's so much more to life than A's and B's; I missed out on that part during high school, why should I miss it now?  Now that I'm finally away.  I miss the solidarity, though.  There was never enough money, but I never felt like I'd be homeless.  I don't feel that now, but I have to keep myself up instead of my parents doing it.  That's probably why I gained so much weight :/  That and I'm tall... it's always funny to look back on my pictures and realize how SKINNY I was, even though I thought I was so fat!  So sad...
I asked Sam what he wanted to do with his life and he couldn't answer  As cheesy as it sounds, I want to save people.  I don't know how, I don't know what from, but I have to save them.  I look around and nobody cares.  They're just using words to catch people's attention in order to get names on a list which means a commission; they don't want to get their hands dirty.  I want to bathe the rotting flesh of the earth's forgotten children so that they may taste life rather than live condemned to nothingness.